Not My Perfume

I started wearing the scent when I was about 14. It was popular and lovely and made me feel older than I really was. And after wearing it for years, the smell, self-labeled “Heavenly”, began to carry and hold it’s own memories. With two sprays I was in the backyard with my best friend from childhood who once carried all my secrets. I could breathe slow and deep and hear the Dixie Chicks sing a throaty melody about wide-open spaces and nights under the stars with a bright-eyed cowboy. I could close my eyes and settle into the thoughts of big moments on both ends of my emotional scale: high-end joy and life-altering trauma.

And eventually, after years of spritzing my neck and wrists with the same bottle of secrets, I realized it had become a habit of self-inflicted bondage instead of a natural feminine moment. This act, that tends to be quite normal for many men and women, had developed into a daily routine of living in the past.

It wasn’t until this spring, while on a very unexpected home assignment, that I realized what I was doing. I was headed into town for a dreaded Wal-Mart trip, fighting an extremely heavy headache for the third day in a row. The day before I had a feeling that my headaches were related to my perfume, but I didn’t want to admit it yet. I wasn’t ready to let go of the scent that carried me to far off places. But I was only one block into my drive to town when I was hit with an idea, a thought, that I couldn’t shake. At the entrance of my parent’s subdivision is a small, gated, upward slope holding some of the oldest gravesites in town and as I stopped for traffic, I made a connection between my headache, my perfume, and the finality of the cemetery outside my driver’s window. I gazed at the grey, broken, cement markers for people long past gone and all I could ask myself in that moment was, “Meg, do you even like your perfume?” 

That may seem like a strange question to ask right then, but after staring at the final resting places of so many once loved men and women, I couldn’t help but wonder why I clung to something so superficial when our lives, in the end, are so short. I realized I used to love the sweet, angelic scent, but now? That just wasn’t true anymore.

“Then why are you wearing it?” ……I thought.

Why was I wearing the perfume? Why was I allowing this trivial, first world beauty product to bring pain to my head and strife to my heart? Why couldn’t I let go of this fleeting, sensory appeasing product that represented not who I am, but who I was? By refusing to let go of a decade long, daily tradition was I disassociating from things in my past that I honestly needed to process through and release? Why couldn’t I accept that the perfume was the cause of my headaches? My answers weren’t positive.

Because I’ve always worn it. Because it’s a part of who I present myself to be. Because it reminds me of days long gone and of important people from the past. Because there’s a boy out there who still likes the smell of my skin when I wear it. Because the name itself symbolizes the very thing I think I have to be: perfect. Because…..what happens if I start wearing something else? What happens if I let go? What happens… if I change?…

I haven’t used the perfume since that day by the cemetery. In fact, I threw the entire bottle in the trash. And the next week I spent a ridiculous amount of time in the essential oil and natural perfume aisle of the health food store with my mother picking a new scent. I picked one that had nothing to do with anything or anyone in my past and I picked one that felt more like “me”. I picked a perfume that, to me, symbolized a strong, feminine woman who strives to be quiet and submissive yet loud and untamed. A woman who longs to have a heart of discernment, feet of beautiful fortitude, arms of empathy, hands of grace, a tongue of kindness, eyes filtered in peace and a mind founded in truth. That may seem like a lot of pressure for just one bottle of roll-on perfume. But to me, it was a personal statement. It was a way to let go and embrace positive change.

I don’t wear the old perfume anymore because, quite frankly, the girl who wore it isn’t the woman I want to be. She was a girl drowning in unattainable perfection and hidden hurts. A girl unable to participate in authentic, raw conversation, hiding behind biblical band-aids and lofty pedestals. That girl, while just as precious and vital to the Lord, is no longer who I am. So it’s not my perfume. It’s hers. And I gladly gave it back to her.

Sometimes, many times, we must let go of the past, in order to grab hold of the future. We must release ourselves from our own handcuffs, and allow ourselves to be who we are today. And then we must refuse to accept the guilt that can come after letting go.

Maybe this seems simple or silly to some of you who have already moved forward from things long past, but for those of you who still wear the trapping scent that brings pain and sorrow, I encourage you today to throw it out.

Because, “since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Women, we’re not who we once were. And even if you feel like you are and you don’t want to be, read that verse again. Throw it off, toss it out, and run hard after Jesus. With Him is where you’ll find the person you want to be. And maybe even your own perfume. I know I did.

3 comments

  1. So true Meg… Many people have said “you left here a girl and came back as the woman you always were” or something along those lines. Experience what we have in such a short ammount of time does make us view ourselves and the world around us differently. I’m glad your not perfect and obviously you know I’m not either, based in our previous living am situation and overall friendship. I don’t “loath” you because of a perfection you’re striving for, I “loath” you because you are my very best friend and you get me more than anyone else in this earth because of your imperfections… I don’t even like you

  2. Megan, you will fit well with me…”loud and untamed.” My advice to my kids..”be your self” and one that my grandmother said to me “remember who you are and to whom you belong.”
    Looking forward to seeing you.

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