Life or Death, No Matter Where

A few weeks ago I posted about the departure of my friend, Sarah, and about my current struggle with my own health. Today I wish I was writing about a full recovery and a new fun story from the offices of SIM. Instead, since that post, my health has continued to decline; my quality of life very, very low.

I’ve met with every doctor in Charlotte but still no one can tell me why my body is breaking down. I sat in a wheelchair in my Primary Doctor’s office, head dropped to the left, as she teared up and said, “There is something horribly wrong. I see your slow and steady decline and I know we have to stop it before it…….gets worse.”

I knew what she meant. I am dying. Slowly and steadily and for no reason man can see. She was so apologetic. She’s been hurting for me while I hurt at home. She’s been a medical heart that truly cares.

I’ve been on a slow decline since August but it wasn’t until January of this year that I took a turn. And then again in February’s beginning, my body stopped functioning correctly and forced me to my bed. Since then, it’s been a bit of a faster decline; a daily battle to not lose the footing I had the day before.

But the pain has become mostly untreatable. My weakness unfathomable and my overall state of health rushing down the river headed to the waterfall’s edge.

It’s been a very surreal couple of days walking out of the appts that I have had. Hearing things like, “slow decline…..must stop this….or else…..death”. How does an almost 30 year old hold those words in her hands when she can’t even hold the comb up to her head? I don’t know. I’m still struggling to grab hold of those facts. And the few moments I have been able to I end up in obnoxious tears in my mother’s arms crying out, “I have plans! I made plans! My year of 30 was supposed to be preparation for my year of 31…”

I haven’t lost hope yet. I don’t think. But I also realize I have to accept the possibility this is it. It’s such a hard inner war; clinging to the hope we have in Jesus Christ and staying grounded in the current reality in front of me.

One day before my health took the big downhill turn, I shared my huge, scary, impossible goals for my year of 30 with a friend. I was so energized just by sharing my heart’s agenda that I believe came from the Lord. And my friend was equally pumped up feeling the same way, these were plans purposed and made for me by my Father. The next day I crashed unexpectedly and it’s been downhill since then.

So how do we stay grounded and walk into what has been laid before us and have hope in the Lord? How do we pray for a miracle but also the Lord’s Will at the same time?

Goodness I wish I knew! But I’m trying. I’m trying to pray and accept it all; the prognosis and the Lord’s impossible miracles. I’m praying for a name for whatever is killing my body. I’m praying His Will be done. I’m praying I would still find ways to glorify Him while I am in this season. I’m praying I will lead someone to Jesus through this journey. I’m praying for a miracle, and an answer. And I’m still praying He would let me stay and live out the goals and plans He Himself has set before me.

And yes, there’s still a lot of tears and frustration. But the only thing I have to cling to right now is my Abba and His Peace. So even in my groanings, I’m praying and reaching out to Him; as my Comforter, Peace-Bringer, Shepherd, Healer, and perfect Father.

A kind co-worker called me this morning and poured a verse over me that left such comfort in this time of uncertainty. Proverbs 20:24 says, “A person’s steps are directed by the Lord, How then can anyone understand their own way?”

How silly am I try and understand the Almighty’s ways! This doesn’t erase all my feelings of confusion, but it does point me back to the One who’s directing them all. And if I say I believe in Him, then I must believe in His leading as well.

I want the goals laid before me to come to pass. More than I want almost anything in the world! But I asked myself last night before sleep, “Meg, what do you really want more? To live a life not meant to be lived, a life without the presence and hand of God directing it? Or to be with your Abba forever, no matter where?”

My answer was immediate, clear, and even a little painful.

“With Abba. No matter where.”

10 comments

  1. Hello Miss Meg (and mama Cherie’) 🙂
    It is with a heavy heart that I read your posts. I read the last blog and of course prayed…and now this one makes my heart that much heavier. I am definitely lifting you up in prayer. God is good and whatever the path is that He has laid before you He is beside you every step. I just listened to Lauren Daigle’s song “Trust in you” & it made me think of you. Sometimes He moves the mountain, sometimes He parts the water…no matter what, we trust in Him…
    Meg, you have a mighty work before you. Satan is clever. He will attack any way he can…as you all know. You have a spiritual battle to fight. Do not give up. Read the word…stay in the word continuously. I am certain you are surrounded by great prayer warriors…the best of those being your parents…your mother nurtured you in her womb…she & your dad have prayed countless prayers over you…as your parents they have a power in the spirit that none other has….Cherie & Kenin, I pray strength for you to pray this precious child through this battle. You know exactly what she is going through.
    I know that you all know the power of our words. If you have a little extra time please listen to a sermon at http://gatewaypeople.com/ministries/life/events/words-life-or-death/session/2012/03/24/the-value-of-words…the pastor is Robert Morris The sermon series is Words Life or Death & the sermon that touched me most in the series is called “The value of words”…Gateway church is in Texas….Kari Jobe attends there, I am sure you have all heard her beautiful voice. Morris speaks the word and mixes in a little humor which always helps…but, he tells it like it is. Just as your dad does. I will be praying right alongside all of you…ceaselessly. I have seen the love that you have for our God….whatever the outcome, I know that you will continuously praise our Father. Stay strong Meg, and when you are weak, I know those around you will be staying strong for you…standing in the gap…receiving your healing for you when you can’t. Please keep us updated…and please know that you have an army praying for you…where two or more are gathered there He is also.
    Much Love from my home to yours, Amy

  2. Hi
    This is the first time that I have ready your blog and it really touched my heart. I am praying for you, I am praying that you will find peace, joy and comfort during this time in your life. God gives his biggest battles to his strongest soldiers. Keep your head up and eyes on him. Please keep us updated. I am praying for you! Neimiaha 8:10. Choose joy sister!
    -Amanda

  3. Hi there, I hope it isn’t insensitive of me to write this, as I’m sure you’ve explored many options…. Did you by any chance take fluoroquinolone antibiotics soon before your symptoms began? Long story short, I had similar although far less severe symptoms that baffled me for weeks until I made the correlation, and heard stories of others having far more severe reactions.
    Sending positive thoughts your way. Don’t give up.

  4. Just an idea. And one I’m sure you thought of– but have you seen anyone who does muscle testing? Shortly after my second daughter was born, my body started to shut down. My sanity, as well as my health rapidly declined with no clear cause and no treatment successful. Feeling helpless and confused is terrifying. The Lord led me to a man who does muscle testing and he was a huge blessing! It might be worth a shot! And what a wonderful doctor you have!!

  5. With Abba no matter where!, That is what I call him too, Abba. My prayer is there for you, God will give you the courage you need, the understanding to accept and the peace for your heart. God is good no matter what we are going through in this world where we are just pilgrims. Our Shepherd will guide us to the path that is our..that He has lay ahead only for us…all we have to do is trust in him NO matter what Sarah, I love your name is Beautiful, I know the Lord will keep you in the poeme of his hand because HE loves you, for he created you Sarah. God bless you Dear Sarah.

  6. Hi Meg, praying for you! One of the replies above suggested the possibility that your condition might be a result of taking fluoroquinolone antibiotics. There are a lot of drugs in that category with awful side-effects, many like those you are experiencing. Also I believe they can occur some time after you’ve been given the drug. Did you receive antibiotics when you had your gall bladder out? Don’t know if this will be of any help, but I guess you could at least rule it out. Keep trusting the Lord!

    1. Sarah,
      It hurts to read the pain, suffering and physical mysteries you are experiencing. On the other hand it is such a joy to see how God is strengthening your resolve to trust Him. Elroi is the Hebrew word that means, “God see’s”. Sarah, God see’s you, He loves you greatly, and He knows what is happening in your body that He created for His glory. I know God will use every part of your journey through this experience to produce His perfect work in you and all who are , by His divine plan, touched by your life. I am praying for you and all connected to your story to witness the mighty reality and power of our true God and His Son Jesus Christ.

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