A few weeks ago I posted about the departure of my friend, Sarah, and about my current struggle with my own health. Today I wish I was writing about a full recovery and a new fun story from the offices of SIM. Instead, since that post, my health has continued to decline; my quality of life very, very low.
I’ve met with every doctor in Charlotte but still no one can tell me why my body is breaking down. I sat in a wheelchair in my Primary Doctor’s office, head dropped to the left, as she teared up and said, “There is something horribly wrong. I see your slow and steady decline and I know we have to stop it before it…….gets worse.”
I knew what she meant. I am dying. Slowly and steadily and for no reason man can see. She was so apologetic. She’s been hurting for me while I hurt at home. She’s been a medical heart that truly cares.
I’ve been on a slow decline since August but it wasn’t until January of this year that I took a turn. And then again in February’s beginning, my body stopped functioning correctly and forced me to my bed. Since then, it’s been a bit of a faster decline; a daily battle to not lose the footing I had the day before.
But the pain has become mostly untreatable. My weakness unfathomable and my overall state of health rushing down the river headed to the waterfall’s edge.
It’s been a very surreal couple of days walking out of the appts that I have had. Hearing things like, “slow decline…..must stop this….or else…..death”. How does an almost 30 year old hold those words in her hands when she can’t even hold the comb up to her head? I don’t know. I’m still struggling to grab hold of those facts. And the few moments I have been able to I end up in obnoxious tears in my mother’s arms crying out, “I have plans! I made plans! My year of 30 was supposed to be preparation for my year of 31…”
I haven’t lost hope yet. I don’t think. But I also realize I have to accept the possibility this is it. It’s such a hard inner war; clinging to the hope we have in Jesus Christ and staying grounded in the current reality in front of me.
One day before my health took the big downhill turn, I shared my huge, scary, impossible goals for my year of 30 with a friend. I was so energized just by sharing my heart’s agenda that I believe came from the Lord. And my friend was equally pumped up feeling the same way, these were plans purposed and made for me by my Father. The next day I crashed unexpectedly and it’s been downhill since then.
So how do we stay grounded and walk into what has been laid before us and have hope in the Lord? How do we pray for a miracle but also the Lord’s Will at the same time?
Goodness I wish I knew! But I’m trying. I’m trying to pray and accept it all; the prognosis and the Lord’s impossible miracles. I’m praying for a name for whatever is killing my body. I’m praying His Will be done. I’m praying I would still find ways to glorify Him while I am in this season. I’m praying I will lead someone to Jesus through this journey. I’m praying for a miracle, and an answer. And I’m still praying He would let me stay and live out the goals and plans He Himself has set before me.
And yes, there’s still a lot of tears and frustration. But the only thing I have to cling to right now is my Abba and His Peace. So even in my groanings, I’m praying and reaching out to Him; as my Comforter, Peace-Bringer, Shepherd, Healer, and perfect Father.
A kind co-worker called me this morning and poured a verse over me that left such comfort in this time of uncertainty. Proverbs 20:24 says, “A person’s steps are directed by the Lord, How then can anyone understand their own way?”
How silly am I try and understand the Almighty’s ways! This doesn’t erase all my feelings of confusion, but it does point me back to the One who’s directing them all. And if I say I believe in Him, then I must believe in His leading as well.
I want the goals laid before me to come to pass. More than I want almost anything in the world! But I asked myself last night before sleep, “Meg, what do you really want more? To live a life not meant to be lived, a life without the presence and hand of God directing it? Or to be with your Abba forever, no matter where?”
My answer was immediate, clear, and even a little painful.
“With Abba. No matter where.”